Each day I am evolving into someone, something new.
June 27 was the day that nothing would ever be the same. And see in that moment, I knew it was all different. Not different like most would think, but different in the way the world looks at night versus how it looks in the morning.
See how life ebbs and flows, we believe that we are changing things, but really we are the ones who are changing.
I am not a thinker. I am a feeler.
I feel things. I see a person crying, chances are I'm going to start crying too.
Since my own ordeal, I've come into contact with folks who are experiencing loss in varied ways. I tell them, ten days or ten months, there is no limit to grief.
Here's my list of things NOT to say to a person grieving:
1. You really should go to a counselor.
Damn! I wish that I had a dollar for each time I've heard this over the past year. Chances are if I am going through a rough patch, deep sadness, no hope for the future, near suicidal depression, an aching longing for a person who no longer physically exists, talking to a counselor may help. But I know that.
You know what people deep in grief really need? A friend who doesn't make them feel as though they are just some broken toy who needs a quick psychological fix.
A grieving person, needs two things. Validation that it is OKAY to be sad, and probably a nice hug. Yeah hug someone in pain, it does amazing things. NOW after doing the above things and coming alongside a person in deep grief, then saying to them maybe it would help if you went to a counselor, they will be more apt to accept that.
But let me tell you there are only two people out of the ten I know who have suggested that to me where I haven't immediately regretted even letting them know how sad I really am. Advice like that just makes me want to isolate in order not to feel judged.
Counselors are a great tool, but they do not have a magic wand which will automatically make me un-sad. It just doesn't work that way.
2. It's been ....blah blah blah so long since etc. or this person I know was better in six months.
Everyone is different. I bet that person you thought was doing great was probably just pretending because they were tired of others acting wanting them to stop grieving.
The vulnerability for those in grief is very high. Grieving people don't WANT to feel the way they do, but loss is tricky. There are triggers.
You see that person who has died/left in places all over. A song. A smell. Certain foods. Special days...
Grieving people have constant reminders of the one who is gone. There is no limit to healing, certain losses will ALWAYS be there. They don't go away.
Please don't judge those who are going through loss. For most of us depending on the vastness of the trauma just being able to crawl out of bed and feed ourselves(sometimes I barely do that) is an act of sheer will.
Feeling sad, missing someone, trying to deal with the aftermath of a death, executing a will, selling an estate, making plans, getting rid of a dead person's clothes...these are all extremely exhausting undertakings.
Throw in many other stresses, such as money issues, and you have a perfect storm.
3. People who are grieving, are not just grieving the loss of a person. They are grieving the future that will never be.
Here's an interesting example of how different people are. My sister and I both lost a mother last year. We share the same grief, but we are grieving different losses. She grieves her son's grandmother who almost got to see him, but didn't.
I grieve knowing that when I get married someday she won't be there.
See how those are different but kind of the same?
We both grieve memories that will never happen now.
4. "I know what you're going through, I felt... when my Grandma/Great-Aunt/Cousin etc died. " Grief is not a competition.
No. You don't know how I feel.
Please don't tell me how sad you were when your Great-Aunt Whatsherface died. I'm sure your Great-Aunt Whatsherface was a wonderful person, and I'm sure that you were very sad, I can understand that and I will grieve with you, but I don't want a comparing of losses.
Folks trying to one-up someone's sadness, is narcissism to the extreme. Just like I don't know what it is like to go through a divorce, lose a husband, or have a seriously ill child, unless you too have lost your mother or father, a parent, don't patronize me.
If you have lost a mother don't be afraid to tell me, we can share that together.
5. Grieving people are not downers, they're just sad.
After I had found out that my Mom's cancer had returned I was talking to someone when a "friend" came into the room and told me to stop talking about such depressing things.
That person is no longer one of my friends.
Suffering is real. We are such complicated creatures. So afraid to let others know if and when we are suffering, because we don't want to appear weak. I like to say that I have a fragile strength.
If you're suffering physically, spiritually, emotionally...you are not weak. You are human.
Watching someone die, losing anyone you love to Alzheimer's or death or moving away or anything can really take a toll on your emotions. But don't shut down. Allow the sadness, but don't forget the bits of joy in each day too.
How to reach out to a sad grieving friend? Acknowledge their suffering, offer them kindness, never judge their progress, and don't indulge their sadness. The last one is tricky. I've known folks who are truly incapable of having a positive thought, but guess what?? It isn't your job to change them!!
OKAY.
So those are just some simple observations I've made over the past year. And
no, I still have not seen a counselor
yes, I am sad
no, not everyday
yes, I have fragile strength
no, I am not going to pretend anymore.
Hopefully, this will help anyone who has a friend or loved one experiencing loss in their life.
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