How to Lose Your Faith, Or Find It

Many of you know that I started this blog after Kate died. This will be my last post on here.

Today I sat in a room full of chairs, across from a counselor, answering questions about why I need help.  And as I spoke, I heard my voice saying all the answers and I felt my body and I saw myself clearly for the first time in a long time.

We discussed some dates and she said, so you feel worse around the anniversary.  And I knew that was true.

She didn't die in March, but March is an anniversary of sorts.  Two years ago, my sister-in-law Pamela, Kate and I drove out to a clinic in Indiana.   By that point, Kate could walk but a few feet at a time due to intense pain, she weighed only 90 pounds, couldn't control her bodily functions and had an unnatural thirst that was never quenched.
She asked me to drive her out to a place that had promised to treat the cancer in her lungs, while claiming that her pain was caused by a broken tailbone, not the cancer that the recent MRI had shown spreading throughout her pelvis and femur.
Then when I refused,

"You don't want to drive me because you want me to die."

~~~~~
Probably wondering why I'm writing these deep personal things.   Out there into some place, maybe I can try to make sense of loss.  Even though loss doesn't make sense.

~~~~~

So, we drove out to Indiana, in the snow, in fear, trepidation...while she just got worse.  And she wanted me to leave her out there in the hands of people who were charging thousands of dollars to shoot I still-don't-know-what into her veins.
Within two weeks of returning home, she went into the hospital and was told affirmatively that the cancer was throughout her entire body, brain, legs, lungs, hips...


But those months, weeks, days, minutes that she wouldn't leave the house except to go to a clinic pumping poison into her body  haunt me everyday.  Even though I know there was nothing I could do to change the outcome, I still wonder if only...then maybe.

And those thoughts and those words, "because you want me to die" can eat a person up inside.
I am empty.
I look into the mirror and I don't know who I am.
 I push away people that I love, because why would anyone love someone who could make her mother think that she wanted her to die.

Since March of two years ago, I've wondered who I am.  Where I am going and I wonder, did I want her to die.

And rationally, I know she didn't really think that.  But I will always wonder...
There were questions about how spirituality fitted into my life, but I lost my faith a long time ago.



I felt it today though.  As though there may be light, there may be a way for me to find some peace, or else learn coping mechanisms so I'm not some walking festering wound of a person, who cries everyday and sobs after leaving Target.  And I want to hold onto my Mom as I remember her when she wasn't sick. And I need to learn how to block out those visions of her body as it slipped away, because that is stuck in my brain and I am stuck in life.


I hope that I can learn a new way to live and I can find my faith again.

Kate loved Aretha and wherever she may be, I hope that my she says Prayers for me. 

Extremely Honest

Why are we all dishonest?

Honesty is a rare commodity.  I think that I've worked for some of the biggest liars in the state of NJ.  That's right, I'm not afraid to say it.
My experience working in the corporate world has not been positive.  I've been lied too, told to lie, cajoled into fudging the truth, expected to accept lies...

I don't have a whole ton of faith in people.  The thing is these aren't "evil" people.  No,  these folks are affluent upstanding citizens.
In sending out my resume, I've been thinking about my past work experiences.  Yeah, I've worked for a whole bunch of dishonest assholes.  It's enough to make me lose faith in human beings. 

Five years ago, after getting laid off by a dishonest businessman, I swore that I would never again work in an office.  I had done what I had to do to support myself, but I always felt that I was not contributing anything of value to society.`

Do we all have to just come to the conclusion that in order to live, we have to compromise our own morals?  When does that happen? 

 Last night I think we hit negative temperatures here in Kinnelon. 

It was so cold in my house that there was frost on the inside of my front windows.  Yeah, I can't afford heat.

At first I was horrified to be so poor that I can't plunk down the money for oil(even though it's cheaper than last year), but now I just think if only I can make it through to March everything will be fine. 
My boyfriend gave me an electric heater, I've got an electric blanket and four cats and a dog who sleep next to me at night...and on nights he's here James the human furnace keeps me warm. (Thanks baby, I wish you were next to me every night!)

But I don't really know.  In fact I really don't know anything these days. 

I always feel the need to explain my actions to people, like if I don't they won't like me or something, or worse yet they might even(gasp) judge me.  I've never been good at accepting help at all either.  People think that maybe I'm too prideful to accept help, but it's not that.  It's more that I don't like feeling that anyone has control over me except myself.  Strings are always attached to any help that I've received.  Maybe I just look at the world in a fucked up way, who knows.

So, I prefer to manage my life on my own. 

What is the hardest for me is glimpsing into other people's lives and seeing their fabulous lives played out online.  Okay, the thing is we all seem to try to spin our lives to impress these days.  I don't get it. 

Is it competition?  Is it insecurity?  I would really like to know. 
Me?  Well I'm just trying to stay alive.

In a little while, I'm going to my current job taking care of an elderly man.  I love my job, the only problem is I don't make enough money at all.  Hence the NO heat situation.

The strange thing is that I know someday, I will look back on this time, not with fondness, but with an appreciation for others. 

We never know what other people are experiencing on a day to day basis. 

~~~~~~~
I've been thinking about my Mom a lot.  How this time two years ago, she started to really go downhill. 

How I've always worried that I would become like Little Edie from Grey Gardens.
In fact this summer I was following the "Grey Gardens Guide to Landscaping." 

 

I think that it's hard for people to understand the loss of a parent in a brutal way.  The twisted mother/daughter symbiosis that occurs.  The regrets, longing, unspoken words, changed futures...but maybe I'm just a morbid person who doesn't deserve certain things in life.

I was reading Brooke Shield's memoir about her mother and herself.  Even though my  Mom was not an alcoholic or anything close to that, our relationship was fraught with very similar issues.   She also references Grey Gardens.  I found it to be hilarious.  I was living the same way, Brooke.  The same freaking way.

Being an only child for five years, I was all parts of my Mom's world.  Our lives were so intertwined that when it came time for me to go to Kindergarten I used to cry that I wouldn't be home with my Mommy.   I always loved the story of my birth, how she would tell me that I slept right next to her, or how she wanted a daughter so much, but was too afraid to hope for one.

My father worked nights when I was little, so I slept in my Mom's bed next to her for years.   Up until I was about twelve, I would wake up with bad dreams and crawl into bed with my Mom. 

In her last months, when she couldn't get out of her bed, I slept beside her again.  There was something comforting in knowing that she was near me.  I've been longing to sleep next to my Mom again, to feel safe and whole.  To have her kiss me goodnight and touch my hair, call me "Sari".    We fought so much at times.  The last few months of her life, we had disagreements and her fear pervaded my own existence.  Yet, she always asked, "Where is Sarah?" if I wasn't around, or "Sarah will take care of such and such."   

And I don't care if people think I should be over this loss by now.  Can you ever really get over losing your Mother???

This is just me, being honest.

There are days, when I can't get out of my bed(her bed) because I miss her so very much.  There are days when I curse her and am angry at things she did or didn't do.  But mostly I remember her with love.  Sometimes I wish that she'd been a "Mommy Dearest" so I wouldn't miss her soo much.

What wouldn't I give to hear her sing, "Summertime and the livin' is easy...hush little baby don't you cry?"

Lists and Letters

Dear Mom, 

Next week is Thanksgiving.  It's the second without you.  I don't want to say that life is easier now, but I've stopped expecting to hear you call my name, or listen for your feet on the steps.

And I've met a wonderful man.    You would really like him.  He is strong, kind and funny. He would make you laugh AND take out the trash(if you asked nicely).  He only wants to make me happy and take care of me, and he knows how to make your grandson laugh.
This man has known loss and knows how to take care of himself and others. 

He's a good cook and loves to hike, just like you did.  He makes me feel safe and protected.  But just like you, he's an awful speller which makes him more endearing to me.   There are so many things I wish I could tell you... twenty times each day I go to call you to tell you of my happiness and it kills me that I can't.  So I write you these letters that other people will read, hoping, praying that somehow you may know all these things.

I saw a woman and her daughter in Target tonight and it made me cry, I missed you so much.  Your touch on my hair, your laugh at silly things, your funny little ways, the way you made so much noise at 7AM when I was sleeping and you'd bang the cupboards shut in the kitchen.  

When I hold my little niece, you're granddaughter I wonder how many times you held me and imagined all the wonderful things that my life would bring.  How I would grow, what my personality would be, who I would love, who would love me, how I would make my mark in the world...and even now all the wonderful things you did for me.  How you cared for me as a little one sick with asthma, or rocked me to sleep, rubbed my back and kissed me goodnight, all the stories read and songs you sang to, when I would reach out and touch your hair...the stories you told of my own life. Those things of legend.  My legend, such a part of you.  People don't understand what it means to lose a mother, a body that is such a part of your own, how I grew inside of you and caused you such pain and pleasure in one.  How it's strange not to be a part of another person the way I was a part of you.
 I dream about you ....I hope you see me and can say, "Look at my daughter, she's full of joy and happiness, I hope all her dreams are coming true."
Love,
Sarah

 ~~~~~~~~

And there are many other things I would love tell her...but cannot write here.

It's late...or early depending.

I haven't written anything on here in a month.  And WHAT a month!
Time changes so much, and it changes it fast.

I'm over here making lists.  Lists that I can't discuss...yet, but they are grand lists, great lists. Lists that I wish I could share.

And this is what I have to say to all those who are scared and afraid of life, it only takes a moment to turn something around.  To meet a new person, to maybe fall in love.

That's right,  sick, sappy, sweet, oh-my-god-you-two-make-me-sick four letter word.

The clarity that comes to a person after meeting someone who makes their world bright and amazing, just throws light on all the past dark relationships making them seem cold and awful.  I've learned so much about myself and my own potential.  How I'm hoping for so much, and he's hoping for so much and we're on the same page and it's just AMAZING.

Yeah, I'm one of those people now.

How am I different? Sheesh, I'm not different I'm just better. 

~~~~~~~~

Heartbreak.  I've had so much loss.  I was due for some good.  For someone who wouldn't emotionally abuse me and make me feel small.  Someone who wouldn't tell me that I needed to get away from my family.  Or tell me that I'm too emotional, or crazy, or morbid or any of those terrible things that were pumped into my head.

My family is my heart.  I watch my little nephew Crosby.  Life for him is new and full of surprises, I just pray that he will know how much I love him always.

And my precious lady Beatrix, who cries when I leave her--she has stolen my heart in so many ways.  She says "happy" now and I think my heart might explode.  I just love that Trixie my sweet little pal.

~~~~~~~~~
My own hopes and dreams ... a someday full of new people, my little people.  And she is always there in my dreams....a beautiful ghost,  haunting me in her ethereal way.  She kisses me while I sleep and once I woke and swore I felt her touch my hair. Maybe we never really die, but explode into  some brilliant gorgeous fireworks dancing in the sky, all full of all life, love and everything in between. 

I was so afraid to meet someone, knowing that she would never be there to tell.  Never know how I feel, but inside I feel that she does know somehow.

And I love her so much

And  I miss her always

And will hold her within me forever.

Many Faces, Many Phases

Each day I am evolving into someone, something new.

June 27 was the day that nothing would ever be the same.  And see in that moment, I knew it was all different.  Not different like most would think, but different in the way the world looks at night versus how it looks in the morning.

See  how life ebbs and flows,  we believe that we are changing things, but really we are the ones who are changing.

I am not a thinker.  I am a feeler.


I feel things.  I see a person crying, chances are I'm going to start crying too.

Since my own ordeal, I've come into contact with folks who are experiencing loss in varied ways.  I tell them, ten days or ten months, there is no limit to grief.

Here's my list of things NOT to say to a person grieving:

1. You really should go to a counselor.

Damn!  I wish that I had a dollar for each time I've heard this over the past year.  Chances are if I am going through a rough patch, deep sadness, no hope for the future, near suicidal depression, an aching longing for a person who no longer physically exists, talking to a counselor may help.  But I know that.
You know what people deep in grief really need?  A friend who doesn't make them feel as though they are just some broken toy who needs a quick psychological fix.

A grieving person, needs two things.  Validation that it is OKAY to be sad, and probably a nice hug.  Yeah hug someone in pain, it does amazing things.  NOW after doing the above things and coming alongside a person in deep grief, then saying to them maybe it would help if you went to a counselor, they will be more apt to accept that.

But let me tell you there are only two people out of the ten I know who have suggested that to me where I haven't immediately regretted even letting them know how sad I really am.  Advice like that just makes me want to isolate in order not to feel judged.

Counselors are a great tool, but they do not have a magic wand which will automatically make me un-sad.  It just doesn't work that way.

2.  It's been ....blah blah blah so long since etc. or this person I know was better in six months.

Everyone is different.  I bet that person you thought was doing great was probably just pretending because they were tired of others acting wanting them to stop grieving.
The vulnerability for those in grief is very high.  Grieving people don't WANT to feel the way they do, but loss is tricky.  There are triggers.
You see that person who has died/left in places all over.  A song.  A smell.  Certain foods.  Special days...
Grieving people have constant reminders of the one who is gone.  There is no limit to healing, certain losses will ALWAYS be there.  They don't go away.

Please don't judge those who are going through loss.  For most of us depending on the vastness of the trauma just being able to crawl out of bed and feed ourselves(sometimes I barely do that) is an act of sheer will.

Feeling sad, missing someone, trying to deal with the aftermath of a death, executing a will, selling an estate, making plans, getting rid of a dead person's clothes...these are all extremely exhausting undertakings.

Throw in many other stresses, such as money issues, and you have a perfect storm.


3. People who are grieving, are not just grieving the loss of a person.  They are grieving the future that will never be.

Here's an interesting example of how different people are.  My sister and I both lost a mother last year.   We share the same grief, but we are grieving different losses.   She grieves her son's grandmother who almost got to see him, but didn't.
I grieve knowing that when I get married someday she won't be there.
See how those are different but kind of the same?

We both grieve memories that will never happen now.

4. "I know what you're going through, I felt... when my Grandma/Great-Aunt/Cousin etc died. " Grief is not a competition.  

No. You don't know how I feel.

Please don't tell me how sad you were when your Great-Aunt Whatsherface died.  I'm sure your Great-Aunt Whatsherface was a wonderful person, and I'm sure that you were very sad, I can understand that and I will grieve with you, but I don't want a comparing of losses.

Folks trying to one-up someone's sadness, is narcissism to the extreme.  Just like I don't know what it is like to go through a divorce, lose a husband, or have a seriously ill child, unless you too have lost your mother or father, a parent, don't patronize me.

If you have lost a mother don't be afraid to tell me, we can share that together.

5. Grieving people are not downers, they're just sad.

After I had found out that my Mom's cancer had returned I was talking to someone when a "friend" came into the room and told me to stop talking about such depressing things.

That person is no longer one of my friends.

Suffering is real.  We are such complicated creatures.  So afraid to let others know if and when we are suffering, because we don't want to appear weak.  I like to say that I have a fragile strength.

If you're suffering physically, spiritually, emotionally...you are not weak.  You are human.

Watching someone die, losing anyone you love to Alzheimer's or death or moving away or anything can really take a toll on your emotions.  But don't shut down.  Allow the sadness, but don't forget the bits of joy in each day too.

How to reach out to a sad grieving friend? Acknowledge their suffering, offer them kindness, never judge their progress, and don't indulge their sadness.  The last one is tricky.  I've known folks who are truly incapable of having a positive thought, but guess what??  It isn't your job to change them!!


OKAY.

So those are just some simple observations I've made over the past year.  And
no, I still have not seen a counselor
yes, I am sad
no, not everyday
yes, I have fragile strength
no, I am not going to pretend anymore.


Hopefully, this will help anyone who has a friend or loved one experiencing loss in their life.

Ch--ch-ch-CHANGE

I type into Google “2013 year of change.”

I return such entries as:

2013: A year of Change for you?

If you experienced dramatic success this year tell us…

2013 Is Year Zeroe for Climate Change

The victories of 2012 demand we double down in the fight against global warming.

2013 Was the Year of Women at the Box Office

Amy Chan: 2013 A Year to Change Your Karma

 I clicked on the last one and read “Be Open. Judgment can blind you from seeing the greatest beauty people.” And “Say yes to adventure.”

In a few weeks, I will wave goodbye to the most difficult year of my life.

I’ve been reading Catching Fire, the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  I’d read the first book and it got me thinking about some of the themes in the books, the theme of the quell and the reaping.

This past for me has been a deep reaping of change.  I am comforted to know that I am not the only one looking forward to 2014.  2013— the year of the snake, how apt that we shed the old skin and put on something new.

I’ve been thinking of how so many others I know have been experiencing great changes this past year, “I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered, I don’t have a friend who feels at ease…”  these words speak to me of the intensity that 2013 has brought for those I love. 

These difficult times we’ve been through and as they continue…I thought that maybe I would catalog them, but then I realized I don’t want to do that. 

I want to focus on the miracles of 2013.

I hold on to this belief that life will get better.  Many have lost parents, jobs, children; losses small and large, several friends have gone through divorces, grandparents have passed away, a friend recently released from incarceration, another with a very ill infant, all with struggles so real so deep.

In each one I see strength. The amazing human ability to perservere, to keep striving for something better, this hope we hold in our hearts is worth more cataloging than all the sorrows combined.

How in moments over the past few months, I will spontaneously break out in tears and spend twenty minutes or more in the bathroom at work.  Waiting until my sobs subside, or I stand at the sink washing a dish, tears drop down out of nowhere onto my hands.  I can now welcome these moments embrace them, and accept the fact I am more vulnerable now than I have ever been in my entire life. I know that I am not alone.

We’ve got this great ability to shoulder loss, to reach out and love each other.  

Because love is the only way to get through any real great loss in life. 

I think of my pets. And perhaps we could say that they don’t really love, but I don’t believe that.  Animals have a way of communicating on a primal level, they do not judge.  They are open to the beauty in all people.  I think that is the “inner beauty” not some outer thing that is going to crumble and fade.  I need to remind myself of this when I get so caught up on the outward nature of others.

Some are like me, they struggle with the details in search of a larger purpose in life, the ability to serve others (or at least make a difference in another’s life.) And if you’re me, the struggle to nurture my self without being completely self-absorbed or selfish.

I always have hated the question,”Where do you see yourself in five years.” Because I always wanted to say, “Well, I just want to see myself enjoying life.”  But that is the wrong answer because I got fired after giving that answer to someone.

Everyone has been telling me not to take on too much, to allow myself to grieve.  I am impatient.  That I have to get used to a “new normal”.

Join a gym?

Give to charity?

Have a baby?

Get married?

 I  wasn’t “normal” before taking care of Kate and watching her die, why should I be any more normal now?

 So I’ve given myself six self-absorbing months to search my own depths and see what lies within there.

More changes…

I’ve started acupuncture

Spin class for my rage of emotions

Meditations with Deepak Chopra

EFT(emotional freedom technique) with my essential oils

“I’m in the here and now and I’m meditating but still I’m suffering.  But that’s my problem.” –Van Morrison, Enlightenment.

I tell myself forgive, nuture your spirit, embrace the changes.

It is alright to suffer…because it is human and real and true.

Many is the time I’ve been mistaken and many times confused

yes and I’ve often felt forsaken and certainly misused

but I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m just weary to my bones

still you don’t expect to be bright and bon vivant so far away from home

so far away from home

and I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered

I don’t have a friend who feels at ease

I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered or driven to its’ knees

but it’s alright it’s alright for we’ve lived so well so long

still when I think of the road were traveling on

I wonder whats gone wrong

I cant help but wonder whats gone wrong

and I dreamed I was dying

I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly

and looking back down at me smiled reassuredly

and I dreamed I was flying

and high up above my eyes could clearly see

the statue of liberty sailing away to sea

and I dreamed I was flying

Oh we come on the ship they call the Mayflower

we come on the ship that sailed the moon

we come in the ages most uncertain hours and sing an American tune

And its’ alright it’s alright it’s alright

you can be forever blessed

still tomorrow’s gonna be another working day and I’m trying to get some rest

that’s all I’m trying to get some rest.