I know that I've written about a bunch of personal topics on her over the past few months, but I've never really felt comfortable speaking about my own health.
I am not sure why.
Since Robin William's death, I've seen a ton of posts about depression. As a sufferer of depression I find these posts both annoying and sort of informative. Annoying because I hate to think that depression is the new disease fad, and informative to know that so many others suffer from it.
Now, there are all different types of depression. Clinical depression, situational depression...low-grade depression...
I've been wondering is there EVER a good reason to kill yourself?
Here is where I'm going to get personal.
When I was nineteen, I was first diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, I was also diagnosed with something called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. These two tend to go hand in hand, and I won't get into the causes of them but I will say that folks may take a quick glance and think, "She's fat/overweight/chubby...etc". Now for most of the population, extra weight is accumulated through poor eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle. But for me, while some of my extra pounds may come through an ice cream now and again, my body seems to be programmed to hold onto fat.
Let me shed some light on Hashimoto's. The body is a complex system of hormones. My body decided that my thyroid doesn't belong so it started producing something called anti-thyro-globulins which attack my thyroid. Now, the treatment for this disease when I was first diagnosed was, just wait until you fall into subclinical hypothyroid state. My TS levels have always been right around the low normal levels. But the problem here is, when your body is constantly attacking itself there are all other symptoms that develop. And it is a roller coaster disease, where sometimes my body over-produces the hormones needed in order to get my thyroid to work. Then it underproduces the same hormones to give my thyroid a break. So I vacillate between heart palpitations, over heating to exhaustion and freezing.
And sometimes, just sometimes I feel OKAY.
Right now I'm in an under active state. I'm achy, my hair is falling out, I'm tired all the time...it goes on and on. And you would think I could just take a pill or something and God, I wish that it were that easy but it's not.
Another symptom? DEPRESSION.
And here's the thing telling a depressed person to "snap out of it" or other trite terms is just the worst thing ever. SO, I've been thinking about Robin Williams offing himself. How does someone who has such accolades, money, fame, family make that decision?
Over the past year I have felt many different emotions
Grief, , uncertainty of my future, worry if I will ever have a long-lasting relationship, worry if I will be able to have a child, stress over careers, fear about lack of money, sadness...
I have lost two parents in the span of eight months. One to cancer, one to prison.
My life is not full of successes, money, awards...hell I can't even seem to find a healthy functional man. And I'm pushing thirty-five, seeing my friends all move on with their lives...weddings, having babies, moving, buying homes, taking vacations...and I am here. Stuck in a dead woman's house, trying to get it ready so someone(anyone) will buy it.
It's been hard not to compare my lack to others and I do it, but I try to be happy for other people. But I know what it's like to have demons, I know what it's like to have silent struggles and suffering. And I have come to the conclusion that even if it is a person's choice to commit suicide--it is never the RIGHT choice. And this is coming from me. As a small insignificant blip in the world, my struggles however personal, are mine.
And here's the rub, we focus too much on ourselves. We think it is wrong to suffer. We've been taught that people need to be positive, cause who wants to be around a downer? But the truth is life is CRUEL at times.
And maybe it's when we focus too much on the cruelty, we fail to see the beauty and the kindness there too. I'm not a positive person. I'm not a negative person. I like to think that I'm a realist.
IN my exhaustion(because I am in a down-swing Hashimoto's phase right now) I'm choosing to push beyond myself. Beyond my depression, because I've found the best way to help myself get out of that is to help other people. To stop focusing on my own "situation" and try not to judge(I feel like I judge too much) and enjoy the little things.
And accept the fact that, I may never have a baby, or make a million dollars, or get married, or travel, or etc etc...my list continues. Because all that doesn't even matter, all that matters is survival. Which is the opposite of suicide....I am alive. That's good enough for me.
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