Things that run through me brain.
coffee, must have coffee, dog must go out and pee, feed cats, feed dog, coffee, make coffee,coffee is cooking too slow, ahhh coffee.
clean clothes, do I have any clean underwear, where are my socks, dog must go out and poop,dog needs more water, breakfast, what should I eat, need to be healthy, eat more salad, eat more vegetables, stop watching tv, coffee, eggs, need to make some eggs. Eat more salad. eat healthy, live longer, don't die...coffee
You can see how this goes...of course it changes a bit as the day goes along of course.
I've been trying to eat more salad, can you guess? So far I've had it for about three days in a row. A big, healthy bowl of greens, peppers, olives, cucumbers, egg, turkey...some chia seeds.
Why is it so much easier to eat a bacon cheeseburger? I want to know this! But I guess that we can only do the best we can.
I've read that when people are depressed they have to start with small goals.
My goal is: Get out of bed. I count it a good day when I can pull myself out of my bed. Having pets helps with this because they are always needing something. Plus my cat will menacingly stare over me and prod me with her paw until I get her some crunchies.
Stress kills by the way. As a group, we people seem to think that we always have to put forth this brave front all the time, this desire that we are fighting or succeeding.
Guess what...none of that matters.
So I've been following Brittany Maynard's story and I find it to be interesting for several reasons.
Now, I do not have a terminal disease, but one day I will die. I can understand why someone would choose not to go through the treatment for a disease that is untreatable. I get not wanting to suffer. But I do not understand the term Death with Dignity.
This term just underlines a very American attitude towards death. Americans are ASHAMED to die young. That's right. Because we have this can-do, will-do way of thinking and place so much on what we consider "success" vs "failure" when our body "fails" beyond our control we feel ashamed.
Ashamed that we are not healthy enough, ashamed that our family and friends may have to face our death and think about their own, ashamed that we are letting others down.
I don't know Brittany's motives, frankly I don't really care what she chooses to do. Either way, death is not an easy nor dignified thing. Dying with a full head of hair vs wispy grey chemo hair is the same thing...the pain is the same, the struggle is the same.
I just want to tell people, THERE IS NO SHAME IN DYING.
Dying is the most natural thing, we all do it. There is dignity in every death. There is dignity in every death. I really wish that Americans could start to view this thing called dying in a non-clinical, I've failed kind of way...
See people are afraid to talk about death. We don't like to be reminded of how fragile we are, or the pain that we may feel, or the pain that our loved ones will feel. Death can never be sanitized. We think that we are in control of so many things, but we are not.
And some may say that it is not dignified for a dying person, to lose control of their bladder and have their three children crowd around her bed and clean her up. But I think that is the most dignified a person can get, to accept such help, to feel such love, to be so...human.
No matter what Brittany Maynard decides to do because it is her body, not mine. I just hope that she knows there is no shame in getting cancer even before you turn thirty.
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