Out With the Old, In With the New

IT's that time of year again...

The time I focus on being healthy...Lifestyle drags me down, such as driving to work in the dark, coming home in the dark....

I've been feeling soooo rundown lately.  I've started taking 5000 iu of vitamin D3 daily and giving myself injections of B12.


For my body, the more food(healthy food) that I eat the better my body works and feels.  In fact for me, I lose weight when I eat regularly rather than skipping meals or eating something sub-par on the nutrient scale.

I'm a snacker.  It's really bad in fact.  Sometimes when I come home from work, I just don't feel like cooking...so I grab easy food to snack on.  Very bad!  But if I plan better then this doesn't happen.

So maybe you want to feel better but don't even know where to start.  Many folks will say what you should be cutting out of eating but if you're like me and hate feeling restricted, then don't do that!

I say start small.

1. Green Smoothies-Throw in any kinds of greens, fruits, nuts anything that might taste good or be healthy such as chia seeds, pumpkin seeds or protein powder.

I use my Nutri-bullet, but any blender will do.

2. Eggs- My favorite protein! I like them boiled, omeletted, once over, poached...anyway they are full of nutrients!

3. Nuts-this one is hard for me to do, I know how healthy nuts are but they bother my teeth...except for cashews.  I try to keep some cashews at my desk to kill my snack craving.

4. B-vitamins and D3-ok so you don't have to go crazy like I do.  No injections needed, but try to get a healthy dose of D and B in a liquid supplement.

But the best way is to eat vitamin rich foods,

Oily fish-salmon, herring, cod all have lots of D in them, fortified milk and mushrooms also have good amounts of D and B vitamins.

My relationship to food has changed over the years, I used to eat to feel good emotionally.  Now I have tried to eat to feel good physically.  It's a very strange thing.  I used to struggle so much with body image, worrying about losing weight, looking good in a bathing suit.  I've learned that feeling good, looking good only comes from a place deep inside.  

I beat myself up for so many years, hating my own flaws and trying to change my appearance.  I've starved myself, worked out till I was in pain, tried juice fasts, makers cleanse, vegan, atkins, Jenny Craig, low-carb,no-carb, spanx...just to try to get my body to a place I found acceptable.  

Well folks, I have never found that "acceptable" place.  This year I've learned a lot such as I am the only one who can love myself.  That once I learn to love myself, all that other stuff just doesn't matter.  That it is more important to be healthy than it is to look like a supermodel.  

That we all will get old, wrinkly, smelly then we die so really who cares!

I watch my little Beatrix and I just hope that no matter what she looks like as she grows she will never think that her worth as a person comes from her appearance.  I hope that she can have a good relationship to food and her body.

Even though it has taken me almost thirty-four years to get to this point, I'm glad to say that I am so excited to be on this inner journey of discovery, health and hopefully a better overall life experience.

Happy almost New Year!!

The Ghost of Christmas

I am sitting on my sofa in my living room, a cat to my shoulder, a dog beside me listening to Strange Overtones, drinking a mug o'coffee, thinking about the Norwegian Meatballs I'm getting ready to make.

Darla right now

I'm all alone right now, and I am not sad.  In fact, I'm enjoying my solitude on this Christmas morning.

I wake up every morning a new person and by night I am a different person than I was when I awoke.


And Lo! It's Christmas...again!  I'm so fucking introspective these days(and I have taken to using four letter words like they are going out of style) I cannot help but wonder at life.  My life, how it isn't good but it isn't bad either.
How in a few short months it will change yet again.
I have never wanted much in terms of material wealth.  I've only every hoped to enjoy life, be happy, love my family and help other people. I am so blessed in my life.

Happiness is a chunk of dried pineapple...

Bea and Crosby someday

Look! all the lonely people, the suffering, the unloved...they are what this Christmas shit is truly about.

Presents, things, stuff, all of that is just pointless...fun, but pointless.

Christmas=Christ Mass.  Jesus Christ who was born and came here to die for the lonely, suffering and unloved. To give them hope of an eternal life not full of the sadness of this world...something to look forward too.

So this is not where I wanted to go with this whole post!  But hey sometimes you have to fall down the rabbit hole, no??

Kate always made Julekake, krim kake  and many other cookies.  I haven't done any baking this season, which is not usual for me.

My Grandma has this trivet on her hutch, two little 'Wegian kids with
their julekake.  I imagine this will be Bea and Crosby someday.

Yesterday, I got to witness four generations meeting for the first time.  

Granddad, my Dad, my brother, and my little niece Beatrix.

I loved hearing my Granddad tell her how gorgeous she looked, all dressed up.  He has Alzheimer's and won't remember meeting her, or the fact that he even has a Great-Granddaughter...but I will remember.

These mornings the past week, I wake up and Beatrix is beside me in bed, sometimes snoring, sleeping peacefully dreaming of a full life ahead of her.  I'm moved to tears at times. As the bed we're in was my Mother's.  My Mother--a grandmother who never had the chance to meet my two newest best loves of my life.

I look at these two new people and know how much they are loved, and pray that they will never know intense sorrow.  Know that if I could protect them from all evil and sadness I would.

So Merry Christmas my loves!!

May all your wishes and dreams come true!

Ch--ch-ch-CHANGE

I type into Google “2013 year of change.”

I return such entries as:

2013: A year of Change for you?

If you experienced dramatic success this year tell us…

2013 Is Year Zeroe for Climate Change

The victories of 2012 demand we double down in the fight against global warming.

2013 Was the Year of Women at the Box Office

Amy Chan: 2013 A Year to Change Your Karma

 I clicked on the last one and read “Be Open. Judgment can blind you from seeing the greatest beauty people.” And “Say yes to adventure.”

In a few weeks, I will wave goodbye to the most difficult year of my life.

I’ve been reading Catching Fire, the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  I’d read the first book and it got me thinking about some of the themes in the books, the theme of the quell and the reaping.

This past for me has been a deep reaping of change.  I am comforted to know that I am not the only one looking forward to 2014.  2013— the year of the snake, how apt that we shed the old skin and put on something new.

I’ve been thinking of how so many others I know have been experiencing great changes this past year, “I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered, I don’t have a friend who feels at ease…”  these words speak to me of the intensity that 2013 has brought for those I love. 

These difficult times we’ve been through and as they continue…I thought that maybe I would catalog them, but then I realized I don’t want to do that. 

I want to focus on the miracles of 2013.

I hold on to this belief that life will get better.  Many have lost parents, jobs, children; losses small and large, several friends have gone through divorces, grandparents have passed away, a friend recently released from incarceration, another with a very ill infant, all with struggles so real so deep.

In each one I see strength. The amazing human ability to perservere, to keep striving for something better, this hope we hold in our hearts is worth more cataloging than all the sorrows combined.

How in moments over the past few months, I will spontaneously break out in tears and spend twenty minutes or more in the bathroom at work.  Waiting until my sobs subside, or I stand at the sink washing a dish, tears drop down out of nowhere onto my hands.  I can now welcome these moments embrace them, and accept the fact I am more vulnerable now than I have ever been in my entire life. I know that I am not alone.

We’ve got this great ability to shoulder loss, to reach out and love each other.  

Because love is the only way to get through any real great loss in life. 

I think of my pets. And perhaps we could say that they don’t really love, but I don’t believe that.  Animals have a way of communicating on a primal level, they do not judge.  They are open to the beauty in all people.  I think that is the “inner beauty” not some outer thing that is going to crumble and fade.  I need to remind myself of this when I get so caught up on the outward nature of others.

Some are like me, they struggle with the details in search of a larger purpose in life, the ability to serve others (or at least make a difference in another’s life.) And if you’re me, the struggle to nurture my self without being completely self-absorbed or selfish.

I always have hated the question,”Where do you see yourself in five years.” Because I always wanted to say, “Well, I just want to see myself enjoying life.”  But that is the wrong answer because I got fired after giving that answer to someone.

Everyone has been telling me not to take on too much, to allow myself to grieve.  I am impatient.  That I have to get used to a “new normal”.

Join a gym?

Give to charity?

Have a baby?

Get married?

 I  wasn’t “normal” before taking care of Kate and watching her die, why should I be any more normal now?

 So I’ve given myself six self-absorbing months to search my own depths and see what lies within there.

More changes…

I’ve started acupuncture

Spin class for my rage of emotions

Meditations with Deepak Chopra

EFT(emotional freedom technique) with my essential oils

“I’m in the here and now and I’m meditating but still I’m suffering.  But that’s my problem.” –Van Morrison, Enlightenment.

I tell myself forgive, nuture your spirit, embrace the changes.

It is alright to suffer…because it is human and real and true.

Many is the time I’ve been mistaken and many times confused

yes and I’ve often felt forsaken and certainly misused

but I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m just weary to my bones

still you don’t expect to be bright and bon vivant so far away from home

so far away from home

and I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered

I don’t have a friend who feels at ease

I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered or driven to its’ knees

but it’s alright it’s alright for we’ve lived so well so long

still when I think of the road were traveling on

I wonder whats gone wrong

I cant help but wonder whats gone wrong

and I dreamed I was dying

I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly

and looking back down at me smiled reassuredly

and I dreamed I was flying

and high up above my eyes could clearly see

the statue of liberty sailing away to sea

and I dreamed I was flying

Oh we come on the ship they call the Mayflower

we come on the ship that sailed the moon

we come in the ages most uncertain hours and sing an American tune

And its’ alright it’s alright it’s alright

you can be forever blessed

still tomorrow’s gonna be another working day and I’m trying to get some rest

that’s all I’m trying to get some rest.

Supper For A Cold Night

 I call it supper not dinner because it just seems right on a night with snow falling right before Christmas.
For a great and healthy meal on a cold night(or day!) try some delicious lentil soup.

Lentils are packed with protein, iron, potassium, and fiber.   3.5oz of lentil contain 26g of protein and 31g of fiber!


I make my lentil soup based on various recipes that I've cobbled together.  The spices meld with the lentils for a warming, comforting and filling meal.

What you'll need:

A 3qt or larger Dutch Oven

2TBSP olive oil

2 cups of brown lentils

1qt vegetable or chicken broth

4 cups water

2 stalks celery diced

2 carrots peeled and diced

1 golden onion diced

1/2 cup crushed tomatoes

1/2 tsp cumin

1/2 tsp coriander

1/2 tsp garlic powder

balsamic vinegar

salt & pepper

1. Dice up the carrot, onion and celery.  Add some olive oil, heat it up add the veg, and cook until the onion gets translucent.

2. While the veggies are cooking, rinse your lentils

3.  Then add your quart of veggie broth and 4 cups of water to vegetables

4. Add the rinsed/cleaned lentils

5.  Then the 1/2 cup of crushed tomato

 6. 1/2 a tsp cumin, coriander and garlic powder


* Cumin is a fantastic spice for cold nights, it is used often in ayurvedic cooking and I love its earthy warm smell!  It is supposed to aid in digestion.

7. stir it up and bring to a boil, then turn it on low heat and let it simmer for about an hour or however long it takes for the lentils to get soft.

8. Add a splash of balsamic vinegar and stir

Looks soooo yummy right???

Add salt and pepper to taste once in a bowl.  I like to eat mine with a dollop of sour cream 

and some crusty french rolls.

I found these rolls at Trader Joe's, they are half-baked just throw them in the oven for a few minutes and voila!! The perfect companion to lentil soup.

ENJOY!!!

The great thing about soup is that it freezes well and can be re-heated for later cold-night suppers.

This Extraordinary Ordinary Life

Is there anything better than a sunny Saturday morning?  I’ve been reserving my Saturdays for writing.  My book will eventually be finished.  Yes.  I have been working on a book.  It’s going to take a bit to complete though…

This week was long, yesterday as I sat in a parking lot of traffic, rain pouring down, red brake lights stretched for miles, ambulances sirening down the highway, cars piled up, I dared not to look at the destruction.  I glimpsed the fragility of life.

How life is truly precious, each moment we take for granted or fail to realize how we are all just time away from the end. 

But of course if we always thought in those negative terms we would never be able to enjoy life for what it is, the good and the bad. 

The clogged sinks, the dark days, a baby’s laugh, paying bills, the love of family, the reeking garbage waiting to be take to a curb, a hug, a kiss, a nice juicy steak, laugh lines on faces, a fruity glass of wine after a long day of work, baking a lasagna, falling into bed, wrestling to wake up early… I revel in the ordinariness of every day life. 

I feel that there is a notion that happiness is found in money or things. Acquiring it, cataloging it, or spending it, showing off with it.  I see folks living glamorous lives, but all I can think is that here is something exceptional in the ordinary.  Domestic little things we are too busy to notice.  

When I was a nanny, I first began to notice little things in each day with the children I was caring for, little things that could be overlooked.  The way the baby would raise his eyebrows for breakfast, or that same sleepy time of day when I’d read the three year old stories until he fell asleep.  The nine hours we’d spend together, full moments so precious so full of seemingly nothing I can barely remember, but they are everything.

It was the same when I cared for a ninety-five year old lady with dementia.  Small nothings that were more meaningful than the hustle and bustle of wallstreet bankers, or business people scrounging for more dollars.  The humanity in these simple moments moved me in ways I can barely describe.  My Grandma told me of an old woman at a nursing home, and what she missed the most was getting her hands into soapy water and washing her dishes. 

There is an ordinary nature to death, while it is the most extraordinary thing that has ever happened to me.  I think of the extrordinary nature of addicts who are able to kick their addictions, to me that is a feat more intense than death.  Death is natural, it is the reverse of giving birth.

I’ve been considering my life in terms of, “before Kate died,” and “after Kate died.”

I could say, “ I am the same.” But that would be a lie. 

I’ve taken to calling her Kate, because I hated referring to her as “Mom” to all who came in the door, she wasn’t their Mom so to me that sounded weird. 

So, towards the end, Kate tried everything--healers, reiki, reflexology.  She wanted to hold onto life, to squeeze out every last drop of it that she could take like a thirsty person in a desert, ever the stubborn Taurus-bull that she was.  I would use my crystals to help balance her chakras, pulling in breath of each various color. 

When Kate had gotten her cellphone she had me set her ringtone to the song Imagine by John Lennon.  This was not ordinary. 

She told me how she once thought that song was sacrilegious, but when she heard it again, she actually thought it was beautiful and real.  How there could be no Heaven, no Hell…that was what God really imagined the world but because of sin we have a Hell and people doing terrible things to one another.   My belief that there is no Heaven or Hell only now, that Heaven or Hell is life right here on earth.

            We used to have long philosophical discussions like that, Kate and I, usually in the car because that was the only time she stayed in one place long enough to have a real conversation.

She told me how she missed when we were babies when she was home, cooking, reading stories, walking us in the stroller, comforting scraped knees, mopping floors, washing dishes.

I’d usually tell her that my worst nightmare was to be a housewife, doing all those things, relying on the income of another to take care of me.  She made fun of me this past year because while I was no mother, or housewife that is exactly what I did for several months.  Emptied dishwashers, vacuumed, cleaned toilets, cooked, nurtured animals, and took care of Kate, as a mother would her child.  

 So, what am I getting at?

Before my purgatory of pseudo-housewife phase, I constantly thought about how much I wanted to do with my life.  The degrees, the traveling(and I still want them) I thought for my life to matter I had to do something extraordinary.

 But now I know the ordinary, caring for a dying person, wiping their bottom, making a cup of tea, loving a baby, taking out the garbage, unclogging the tub, walking the dog, rubbing her feet, changing the lightbulbs, changing diapers…these are the extraordinary/ordinary feats of everyday living.  We take them for granted, we fail to see the beauty in washing a dish, or cooking a meal. 

But this is living.  It is precious, it is Heaven and I love it.

Here's a lil song that sums up my feelings just right....Fleet Foxes, Helplessness Blues...someday I'll be like the man on the screen.

Ode to Being A Woman(not a rant, but almost)

I  “became a woman” the day that Bill Clinton was inaugurated into office.  So, next year, January 20^th 2014, I’m going to take my period out for a drink cause it will be legal—twenty one years old.  Yes, menstruation I’m not gonna saddle you with some nice fruity drink, oh no, you shall imbibe something smooth but strong.  A nice whiskey aged to perfection that will be like”sucking nectar through a hangman’s noose”(thanks Posh Nosh ).  Because you, my period, you’ve taken up so much of my life, you given me joy(when you came on time) and sorrow(when you were late), pain and mass amounts of awkward situations.  Because, period you deserve a strong, stiff one after twenty-one years. We've been through a helluva lot ole girl.

I am not afraid of the truth that is my menstrual period.

I wish more people talked about periods.  We talk about other gross bodily functions such as farting, sharting, shitting or jizzing. Men(and women) are so afraid to talk about menstruation.  Like it’s the most disgusting thing in the world, heck it kind of is.  You know what’s gross?  Having a bear get into your garbage and strew your lawn with your used tampons.  Yeah, that’s gross.

So twenty-one years I’ve been dealing with this thing, that’s longer than some people who may read this have even been alive.  I’ve spent almost double the years of my life as a bleeder than as a non-bleeder.  I’ve got another twenty or so left no doubt. 

I wish that I could add up the energy I’ve expended either worrying about having my period, or NOT having my period.  The planning for it, the preparations, that sinking moment when you realize…there are no tampons in my purse!! And there is no tampon dispenser in the bathroom you happen to be standing.

The sports juggling, to swim or not to swim?  The sleepovers, the what if I bleed on someone else’s sheets?? The oh man, I’ve taken two Aleve and I’m still in pain.  Heating pads help, hot baths help…but not totally.

I have this theory that the United States of America will never elect a female president that hasn’t gone through the change or had a radical hysterectomy.  The USA does not want a bleeder running the country.

And it’s not even the bleeding that is the worst part, it’s the sore breasts, the crampy feeling, the fatigue, the incredible depression I-hate-myself-and-everyone-else feeling that is known as PMS.  Hormones are a killer. I’d say that I’ve got about two good weeks a month where I’m not worrying about the fact that I’m getting my period, or the fact that I’m not getting my period.

 I have even more awful stories, like when I tried to use some type of menstrual cup which collects the blood.  How I ended up not doing it right and walked out of stall, my hands covered in blood, and other women in the bathroom looking at me like I just committed murder. Yeah there’s that.  Or waking up at three AM realizing, no you haven’t pissed yourself, you’ve just bled over your entire bed.   Also don’t be stupid like me and fly on an airplane while forgetting to bring tampons with you to discover, oops Aunt Flo came early!  Airplane toilets are not menstrual friendly, just sayin.

            So cheers to you menstruation you sly, crafty, beast making my life a living hell for almost twenty-one years.