Little Darlin' It's Been A Long Cold Lonely Winter

THERE I was starting to write this:

 "The saddest songs, the ones that never should have been written...but were.

There are certain songs in the world that just bring those tears out.  They are the ones that say everything that a person can feel in a moment.

Cat Stevens wrote, Trouble while he was in the hospital near death at nineteen.  Nineteen. So friggin young to write something so moving.

"Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe."

 James Taylor was only 21 when he wrote, Fire and Rain.  Now, I can NOT listen to that song without a tear in my eye.  But to think of these people so young, writing such incredibly moving lyrics AND music?"

~~~~~~~

 

...and I'm listening to Pandora(Joni Mitchell station of course) and it starts....

Richie Havens version of Here Comes the Sun.....

SUN SUN SUN Here it comes....

Raise your hand if you're sick of Winter!!!  Don't know 'bout you but this weather's gotta change soon. 

But hey, we've all got the Spring left to kill ourselves!  I read somewhere that more people do it in Spring when things don't get any better.

I'm thinking about those bulbs we plant in September and October, how they take root and by April there they are full of fragrant blooms.  I guess I've been thinking a whole bunch about fertility and gardens and getting the ground ready to plant.  As much as I can't stand the cold, the ice, the shoveling, the breaking and destruction of everything, I know that the ground needs a fallow time.  

Don't kill yourselves kids(unless that's your thing) and I feel that the warm weather is coming soon....then the floods...but then the flowers....and love.

"Leave 'em laughing when you go and if you care don't let them know...don't give yourself away, I've looked at love that way."

What happens when people fall in love?  I'm still wondering about all of it.  But I suppose that's a topic for another day.  

"It's Life's illusions I recall...I really don't know life at all."

Yes, I'm Jealous of Everyone Whose Mom Is Still Alive...

And I know that this is an immature emotion/sentiment to have
....but it is how I feel.

I'm jealous of:

every woman whose Mom will kiss her on her wedding day.

my Father, because his Mother is still here.

the people who get to introduce their children to "Grandma".

anyone who can get a hug and an "I love you" from their Mom.

every single person who gets to celebrate baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, Christmas, Mother's Days and birthdays with their Moms.

And the thing is, I'm happy for people, but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad for myself.  This strange dichotomy of emotion is draining and difficult to explain.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-How are you? They ask.

-I'm doing okay.   Because I'm too proud, too stubborn to say,

                I am not okay.  I will never be okay.  

The thing is, I want to be okay.

I want to wake up and not feel dread at another day full of reminders of what was and what will never be.

I want to know that someday I will be enjoying life again and not merely surviving.

I want to not take my boyfriend for granted, because I'm so depressed that all I want to do is sleep, even when we are together.


But, I've been hiding out.  Fooling myself that no one will notice how I am really doing, how I can't get through a day without crying or being sad.  How I lash out at the people I love the most and isolate myself from them. How I'm risking losing someone I truly love...

I've been lying to myself and everyone else, petrified that someone may know that I'm not strong and capable of getting through a shit ton of bad situations by myself, that maybe if they notice...they might not love me anymore since the one person I knew would love me unconditionally forever is gone...
And others might realize how broken I am inside, but
 I'm not fooling anyone.
                  not even me...

And I'm just so sick of this stigmata of pain that I've been carrying around for so long.   

~~~~~~~~~~

Someday, I hope that I won't be jealous anymore.  That I will be able to experience JOY in life, and stop waiting for everything to end badly.  I've been so used to fixating on others and their troubles, or replacing drama for what I really need help with and that is grieving.
 

There have been moments when I wished I could be even more depressed and could attempt suicide, not to kill myself but to be able to hit that rock-bottom place, like an alcoholic or any addict.  But I've been on maintenance, where I come up a bit then go back down.  Admitting this has not been an easy thing, I've been ignorant about my own needs.

I need professional help.

 And I am going to get it...if I don't, I may just disappear one day and never return.
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain...even though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon... ain't it funny how it feels when you're finding out it's real?