Dear Mom,
Next week is Thanksgiving. It's the second without you. I don't want to say that life is easier now, but I've stopped expecting to hear you call my name, or listen for your feet on the steps.
And I've met a wonderful man. You would really like him. He is strong, kind and funny. He would make you laugh AND take out the trash(if you asked nicely). He only wants to make me happy and take care of me, and he knows how to make your grandson laugh.
This man has known loss and knows how to take care of himself and others.
He's a good cook and loves to hike, just like you did. He makes me feel safe and protected. But just like you, he's an awful speller which makes him more endearing to me. There are so many things I wish I could tell you... twenty times each day I go to call you to tell you of my happiness and it kills me that I can't. So I write you these letters that other people will read, hoping, praying that somehow you may know all these things.
I saw a woman and her daughter in Target tonight and it made me cry, I missed you so much. Your touch on my hair, your laugh at silly things, your funny little ways, the way you made so much noise at 7AM when I was sleeping and you'd bang the cupboards shut in the kitchen.
When I hold my little niece, you're granddaughter I wonder how many times you held me and imagined all the wonderful things that my life would bring. How I would grow, what my personality would be, who I would love, who would love me, how I would make my mark in the world...and even now all the wonderful things you did for me. How you cared for me as a little one sick with asthma, or rocked me to sleep, rubbed my back and kissed me goodnight, all the stories read and songs you sang to, when I would reach out and touch your hair...the stories you told of my own life. Those things of legend. My legend, such a part of you. People don't understand what it means to lose a mother, a body that is such a part of your own, how I grew inside of you and caused you such pain and pleasure in one. How it's strange not to be a part of another person the way I was a part of you.
I dream about you ....I hope you see me and can say, "Look at my daughter, she's full of joy and happiness, I hope all her dreams are coming true."
Love,
Sarah
And there are many other things I would love tell her...but cannot write here.
It's late...or early depending.
I haven't written anything on here in a month. And WHAT a month!
Time changes so much, and it changes it fast.
I'm over here making lists. Lists that I can't discuss...yet, but they are grand lists, great lists. Lists that I wish I could share.
And this is what I have to say to all those who are scared and afraid of life, it only takes a moment to turn something around. To meet a new person, to maybe fall in love.
That's right, sick, sappy, sweet, oh-my-god-you-two-make-me-sick four letter word.
The clarity that comes to a person after meeting someone who makes their world bright and amazing, just throws light on all the past dark relationships making them seem cold and awful. I've learned so much about myself and my own potential. How I'm hoping for so much, and he's hoping for so much and we're on the same page and it's just AMAZING.
Yeah, I'm one of those people now.
How am I different? Sheesh, I'm not different I'm just better.
~~~~~~~~
Heartbreak. I've had so much loss. I was due for some good. For someone who wouldn't emotionally abuse me and make me feel small. Someone who wouldn't tell me that I needed to get away from my family. Or tell me that I'm too emotional, or crazy, or morbid or any of those terrible things that were pumped into my head.
My family is my heart. I watch my little nephew Crosby. Life for him is new and full of surprises, I just pray that he will know how much I love him always.
And my precious lady Beatrix, who cries when I leave her--she has stolen my heart in so many ways. She says "happy" now and I think my heart might explode. I just love that Trixie my sweet little pal.
~~~~~~~~~
My own hopes and dreams ... a someday full of new people, my little people. And she is always there in my dreams....a beautiful ghost, haunting me in her ethereal way. She kisses me while I sleep and once I woke and swore I felt her touch my hair. Maybe we never really die, but explode into some brilliant gorgeous fireworks dancing in the sky, all full of all life, love and everything in between.
I was so afraid to meet someone, knowing that she would never be there to tell. Never know how I feel, but inside I feel that she does know somehow.
And I love her so much
And I miss her always
And will hold her within me forever.
