Sunday Morning Coming Down

Then I headed down the streets
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringing
And it echoed through the canyons
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday

On a Sunday morning sidewalk
Oh, I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That'll make a body feel alone

And there ain't nothin' short of dyin'
Thats half as lonesome as the sound
Of a sleepin' city sidewalk
And Sunday mornin' comin' down

I was listening to some Kris Kristofferson this morning while making coffee.  It's on vinyl that my Grandmother gave to me.  There is something so wistful in a lazy Sunday morning.  

And 2015 is on its' way...coming with a force.  The changes of the past year in my own life have been so vast, so crazy in some ways I almost don't know what to think.  

I used to feel lonesome on Sunday mornings, but not anymore. 

 Warm warm bodies loving touch, fresh coffee, pancakes, purring cats, lazy pants and bathrobe, watching Breaking Bad(yeah I'm a newbie to it), hum of a dishwasher, cuddles, writing,Sunday supper of lentil soup later on.

I'm new to this relationship thing.  I feel like I don't always know what I'm doing, because I've made so many mistakes in the past.  This time is different though.

My heart is so full of so many things these days.  Dreams, hopes, love, joy...

I've learned so much about myself this year though, how I can survive emotional abuse, how I can manage to make ends meet with barely a dime, how to try to be comfortable in my own skin.   There are so many things in my life that haven't made sense in a long time.  

When you're in love with someone wonderful, you just want to tell everybody how great it is all the time.  And for me right now, it's great.  I didn't know what was missing, these emotions. (I'm an emotional creature) and I'm sitting here writing this watching as my cat is cuddled next to Jamie.  Now this cat is a Mama's girl.  She cuddles with me and pretty much only me.  Now she seeks him out to snuggle.  It makes me so happy to know that my precious little kitty-girl loves my man as much as I do.

And for all those out there who've experience bad past relationships, when you finally meet someone who is real and wants to be with you, who makes time for you, doesn't play games, and is man enough to take you on with all your own insecurities...well then you know you've hit the jackpot.  

Age means nothing.  There are 50 year olds less mature than some 24 year olds.  These are the things you learn in life.  

2015 is going to bring some incredible events and I can't wait...because there's just something in a Sunday.

Almost Winter

Many of you know that I struggle during the winter.  The bleakness, the cold, the short days...I've tried so many things.
Vitamin D, exercise, alcohol...but no matter what there is just something so blah about cold grey leaf-less days.

Life is a fragile balance of so many different things, and I'm a huge worrier.  I worry about every freaking thing.  It's a problem. 

I keep waiting for a better day, a new day, one where I won't have these concerns and will have some modicum of peace.

Because I haven't really felt peaceful in a very long time. 

When you're a female living alone, taking care of yourself, juggling these huge responsibilities sometimes you get caught up into a terrible cycle of worry. 

Mostly worries about money.  But there are other things too.  People deal with life in different ways, some turn to drugs, some turn to religion, others just waste away. 

I think that I turn inward mostly.  I try to escape into myself.  Isolate myself, because I worry that when I'm in this state no one will want to be around me at all.  I'm not used to anyone trying or taking care of me.  So when I meet someone who does care about me, I'm like those shelter dogs who have been living on the street scrounging in the garbage cans, I'm wary of anyone who reaches out with their hands. 

And I've learned that somehow, I always land on my feet no matter what.  So what is the whole point of this?  Isn't that the real question?