Ode to Being A Woman(not a rant, but almost)

I  “became a woman” the day that Bill Clinton was inaugurated into office.  So, next year, January 20^th 2014, I’m going to take my period out for a drink cause it will be legal—twenty one years old.  Yes, menstruation I’m not gonna saddle you with some nice fruity drink, oh no, you shall imbibe something smooth but strong.  A nice whiskey aged to perfection that will be like”sucking nectar through a hangman’s noose”(thanks Posh Nosh ).  Because you, my period, you’ve taken up so much of my life, you given me joy(when you came on time) and sorrow(when you were late), pain and mass amounts of awkward situations.  Because, period you deserve a strong, stiff one after twenty-one years. We've been through a helluva lot ole girl.

I am not afraid of the truth that is my menstrual period.

I wish more people talked about periods.  We talk about other gross bodily functions such as farting, sharting, shitting or jizzing. Men(and women) are so afraid to talk about menstruation.  Like it’s the most disgusting thing in the world, heck it kind of is.  You know what’s gross?  Having a bear get into your garbage and strew your lawn with your used tampons.  Yeah, that’s gross.

So twenty-one years I’ve been dealing with this thing, that’s longer than some people who may read this have even been alive.  I’ve spent almost double the years of my life as a bleeder than as a non-bleeder.  I’ve got another twenty or so left no doubt. 

I wish that I could add up the energy I’ve expended either worrying about having my period, or NOT having my period.  The planning for it, the preparations, that sinking moment when you realize…there are no tampons in my purse!! And there is no tampon dispenser in the bathroom you happen to be standing.

The sports juggling, to swim or not to swim?  The sleepovers, the what if I bleed on someone else’s sheets?? The oh man, I’ve taken two Aleve and I’m still in pain.  Heating pads help, hot baths help…but not totally.

I have this theory that the United States of America will never elect a female president that hasn’t gone through the change or had a radical hysterectomy.  The USA does not want a bleeder running the country.

And it’s not even the bleeding that is the worst part, it’s the sore breasts, the crampy feeling, the fatigue, the incredible depression I-hate-myself-and-everyone-else feeling that is known as PMS.  Hormones are a killer. I’d say that I’ve got about two good weeks a month where I’m not worrying about the fact that I’m getting my period, or the fact that I’m not getting my period.

 I have even more awful stories, like when I tried to use some type of menstrual cup which collects the blood.  How I ended up not doing it right and walked out of stall, my hands covered in blood, and other women in the bathroom looking at me like I just committed murder. Yeah there’s that.  Or waking up at three AM realizing, no you haven’t pissed yourself, you’ve just bled over your entire bed.   Also don’t be stupid like me and fly on an airplane while forgetting to bring tampons with you to discover, oops Aunt Flo came early!  Airplane toilets are not menstrual friendly, just sayin.

            So cheers to you menstruation you sly, crafty, beast making my life a living hell for almost twenty-one years.

Don't Be Shy, Chill Out With Some Cat

Stevens....

This song is from Harold and Maude soundtrack, which is one of my favorite movies. 

So read what I've gotta say and listen to some Cat Stevens.

  Emergency room curtains guided close around, you stretched out, crying for water.

Then they came for you and I needed a walk, so in the raw of the early Spring, April and I went up the hill past the old brick building.  And I walked by with a longing in my heart and that was the night, the night I really knew it was one of the last nights.  Onto a street I once called mine, I wanted to walk up those stairs again. I watched the lights on the street, the swift traffic sound, the stillness. My chapped hands, chilled feet and hot cheeks found some swings.  I wished my legs could take me over the rooftops, some Peter Pan in the sky. 

I wanted to stay with you.  That was the first break. Our heart rhythms changed, I left a piece of mine on the cold seat of that swing.

The night of cosmic consciousness...
See that pool of sunlight, let me be absorbed into it and live and stay.
See the leaves crisp bent-ending, let me be a leaf.
Death is not real, the unreality frees her from sorrow.
What will free me.

So don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by....

Coffee Is Best From A French Press

 I've tried to ditch my coffee drinking habit.  My first year in college I went an entire semester without it(how the fuck did I do that??? Youth.)

Now that I am in  my almost-mid thirties I am even more dependent on this stuff than ever, not even just for those hanged over days.

 Waking up at 5:30 AM every day, I find the need for my coffee. Workdays, I normally use my little Keurig to make my on-th-way-to-work cup.  Keurig is quick but it just tastes like coffee-flavored water.

But...Saturdays and Sundays I love to take my time and make a truly delicious jug of coffee.  I use my french press which in France is surprisingly not called a "french press" but a cafetiere a piston.  True story.

This is what it looks like while assembled.  I've had two of these now, the first broke(thanks Mom).  They sell them at Target, this one is an 8 cup Bodum Chambord, cost about 40$.

These are the components of a French Press.  A metal holder, glass beaker, and a plunger.

It's very easy to use. Here it is in 10 steps:

1. heat up some water, do not bring to a boil!

2. choose your coffee, I prefer a nice dark roast.  This one from Stop & Shop isn't terrible and it's organic. You'll want to use a courser ground of coffee. I prefer to grind my own but that's a whole other thing!

3.Measure your coffee into the beaker.  Depending on how strong you like your coffee will dictate how much you put into it.  For this 8 cup press I typically put 8 scoops, sometimes more.

4. Once the water is almost to a boil, pour it on in!

5. Time to stir the "slurry" of coffee. NEVER use a metal spoon while hot water is in the beaker, it will cause it to crack and then you will have to buy a new one.  I like to use this rice spoon thingy that I have because it's kind of like a paddle.

6. Wait for at least 4 minutes.  Longer if you like.

7. Plunge it on down!

8. Pour your coffee!

9. Leave some for later...the longer it sits the stronger it gets!

10. Enjoy your coffee!!

Now back to the serious writing!!!  The grad school applications and such...