Yes, I'm Jealous of Everyone Whose Mom Is Still Alive...

And I know that this is an immature emotion/sentiment to have
....but it is how I feel.

I'm jealous of:

every woman whose Mom will kiss her on her wedding day.

my Father, because his Mother is still here.

the people who get to introduce their children to "Grandma".

anyone who can get a hug and an "I love you" from their Mom.

every single person who gets to celebrate baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, Christmas, Mother's Days and birthdays with their Moms.

And the thing is, I'm happy for people, but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad for myself.  This strange dichotomy of emotion is draining and difficult to explain.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-How are you? They ask.

-I'm doing okay.   Because I'm too proud, too stubborn to say,

                I am not okay.  I will never be okay.  

The thing is, I want to be okay.

I want to wake up and not feel dread at another day full of reminders of what was and what will never be.

I want to know that someday I will be enjoying life again and not merely surviving.

I want to not take my boyfriend for granted, because I'm so depressed that all I want to do is sleep, even when we are together.


But, I've been hiding out.  Fooling myself that no one will notice how I am really doing, how I can't get through a day without crying or being sad.  How I lash out at the people I love the most and isolate myself from them. How I'm risking losing someone I truly love...

I've been lying to myself and everyone else, petrified that someone may know that I'm not strong and capable of getting through a shit ton of bad situations by myself, that maybe if they notice...they might not love me anymore since the one person I knew would love me unconditionally forever is gone...
And others might realize how broken I am inside, but
 I'm not fooling anyone.
                  not even me...

And I'm just so sick of this stigmata of pain that I've been carrying around for so long.   

~~~~~~~~~~

Someday, I hope that I won't be jealous anymore.  That I will be able to experience JOY in life, and stop waiting for everything to end badly.  I've been so used to fixating on others and their troubles, or replacing drama for what I really need help with and that is grieving.
 

There have been moments when I wished I could be even more depressed and could attempt suicide, not to kill myself but to be able to hit that rock-bottom place, like an alcoholic or any addict.  But I've been on maintenance, where I come up a bit then go back down.  Admitting this has not been an easy thing, I've been ignorant about my own needs.

I need professional help.

 And I am going to get it...if I don't, I may just disappear one day and never return.
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain...even though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon... ain't it funny how it feels when you're finding out it's real?